Welcome Lucy Nolan

Stealing the free wireless internet again. I tried to get Jeff to update you earlier but he claims to be afraid of Babycenter and Blogspot, so he's holding our sweet little girl and I'm warding off visitors by hoping my anti-social personality helps. :P

If I can (Lucy has just been fed so I have at least a little time), I want to write out this birth story while it's still fresh in my mind. Lucy's birth was less than ideal. In fact, I would say that it was a traumatic experience--for Lucy and for myself. I don't blame the doctors--I don't think my serene home birth would have ever happened. I don't think we will be having another child, at least not by birth. I don't think I'm equipped to.

Labor started on Sunday afternoon, and it took about 10 hours to progress into the hard labor that would eventually lead to Lucy's birth. Those first ten hours were filled with discomfort but were ultimately the easiest part of my birth. I was perusing BBC, chatting with my husband and family, and even drinking tea right up until around 3:30, when my contractions began to intensify. By this point, the doctors were getting tired and were glad to be able to push things along, so to speak. This is where everything started to go wrong, at least from my perspective. 

I started to panic, for one thing. I do not know why I began to panic, I don't think I ever will. The doctors call it transitioning, but my transitioning lasted through Lucy's whole birth and for about two hours afterward. Even now I feel slightly afraid to hold her, but the worst of that is over and I truly love and enjoy my baby.

At around 3:45 I was in one of my lucid periods and I asked Jeff to update the blog and babycenter. I don't remember my motivations behind it but I'm glad he did, because I want as much of Lucy's birth story remembered as possible. No sooner did he finish it and tell me he had but the nurses, and our incredibly wonderful and sweet midwife, told me that it was time to push. 

There's very little I remember about the time whilst I was pushing. I remember crying almost constantly about how it was a mistake, I didn't want a baby, please don't make me have the baby, I can't do it, I don't want it, please don't make me do it. After about forty minutes of this, the midwife finally told me that if I didn't stop, I would have to have a c-section, because I was putting too much stress on the baby and she had stopped progressing. I remember refusing the c section and saying that it was good that she wasn't progressing because I didn't want her to come out.

Throughout all of this, which must have been very traumatic, my husband stood by me. He was a comforting presence who made sure I was always comfortable, even when I was clearly in distress, and he made sure to advocate for me because he knew I couldn't.

At around 5 in the morning, they were discussing getting a surgeon in, and it was then and only then that I came to my senses a little and knew that I had to get the baby out. i asked for pain medication but they couldn't give me any because I was too far dilated. I must have been more lucid than I'd been for the entire duration of labor before that, because instead of screaming and crying, I felt determined. I was going to have this baby. I was going to have this baby NATURALLY! I shifted into a mode that I can only describe as primal. I was having that baby and I was having her now.

Lucy Nolan D. was born at 5:20 AM on Monday, June 8th, 2009, weighing in at 5 pounds, 1 ounce and 18 inches long. She came out pink, perfect, and furious, screaming and crying and indignant. Wouldn't you be? She had apgars of 7 and 9, and they have her in an isolette in the NICU to help her breathe, but she spends time out of it as well, getting lots of cuddles from her admirers. She's beautiful and sweet, and I'm glad she's mine, rough start considered. She is an absolutely perfect little girl and I'm so lucky to have her. 

Even still, when I think of her birth, it is upsetting. I feel as though I ruined my own birth experience. I know that having a happy baby at the end is supposed to be the most important thing, but it's hard to look at it that way.

It took me three hours to type this, and as I finish, Lucy is snuggled on my chest and Jeff is at my side. I couldn't ask for anything more perfect.