Lucy's blog

Jeff thinks we should leave this blog strictly for updates about Maddie and hailey, should we ever feel inclined to blog about anything normal...our lives are not normal anymore, and they wont be ever again, but Hailey and Maddie continue to be a normal part of our lives and they deserve their own blog.

I haven't been doing a lot lately, and it feels so ungodly weird to open a blog specifically so I can talk about my dead baby, but it makes seense, in its own way. Does anyone want to read it? Probably not. But it's there.

http://theloveoflucy.blogspot.com

Day by day

Today's task is to try to tackle my babycenter inbox. In just 4 days, I have received more than 30 messages from people reaching out to comfort Jeff and I through this strange time. It is an overwhelming task, even though it seems so small. Today I got up, showered, and dressed. Yesterday I talked to Madeline and Hailey's father and found out that they do get to stay with us. Small victories.

I'm so tired. I don't really feel sad much of the time, but exhausted, as though the life was drained from me when she left.

If I finish these messages I'll let myself sleep.

One day we're here the next we're not

I posted on Babycenter about us losing sweet Lucy, and I knew that I needed to update the blog. Although most of my readers already know, the blog has been more than about the readers--it's been about being able to talk about Hailey, Madeline, and Lucy and preserving every part of their lives whenever the mood struck me to write.

For those who don't know, I hope that I have called you or made you aware in some other way other than the cold impersonality of a blog post. Our sweet Lucy left us July 20th, sometime in the early morning hours. At this point, they are rendering cause of death SIDS--we do not know what killed our precious Lucy, just that she died sometime in the night, very peacefully.

In the past few days I have felt very much lost and anchored only by the support community I have built for myself--my husband, my older girls, my family, my internet friends. I have cried only once since Lucy's death, and I mostly feel...numb, empty, like there's a whole. I wish I could find some comfort and peace in her death, but I still can't. I can barely breathe.

It's been awhile!

Ever since Hailey and Madeline came to stay with us, I have barely had time to blog! Here's a brief rundown on what has been happened with our family since June 22nd:

1. Last week Maddie turned 5. We celebrated with a pool party with a "Princess" theme. Not Disney princesses, though--Victorian princesses! The girls wore their best period costume and had a tea party, and everyone had a lot of fun. We are now officially up to our ears in girlie paraphernalia. Hailey and Maddie's bio dad was supposed to come out on the day of but he couldn't make it. He came out on Thursday and we did dinner together. The next time we'll see him is for our court date in September.

2. Lucy turned one month old two days later. At her one month appointment she weighed 7 pounds and was 20 inches long, so she's growing pretty well. She is now smiling and lifting her head--she's a very animated baby. She is still breastfeeding and doing very well with that. Now that the first month is over, we are feeling strong and confident about carrying on.

3. We have been on the road with daddy for two weeks now and everybody is having a lot of fun. We have a lot more hotel dates on this tour, which I am appreciative of...three little girls, seven guys, and I are a little too much! It has been a lot of fun. We will be home for a short period of time next week and then back on the rest of the circuit.

That's all for now! More soon.

(Lucy nursing. Betcha didn't know that's what she was doing, huh?)