Guest Blogger: Hailey

Hailey has been watching me blog pretty much since she got here (lots of posts get written and trashed...LOTS.), and today she asked me if she could give blogging a try. So, here goes: Hailey blogs! (She's seven. all typing courtesy of Hailey, all spelling courtesy of me)

my name is hailey araelle b and i am 7. my birthday is may 8 and on my next 1 i will be 8. i am going to grade 2 and i live in boston massachusetts with my sister named madeline and my parents michelle and jeff. before when i was 6 nd before that i lived in long island with my other dad cory and my sister madeline and my grandma bev . i was really happy in long island but then grandma bev went to heaven. before when madeline was only a baby years old michelle lived in our house before jeff was her husband and she took care of us. my dad cory couldn't take care of me and maddie anymore so he phoned jeff and michelle and asked them if they can take care of me and maddie so then we got adopted by michelle and jeff. when we got adopted at first baby lucy lived in our house but baby lucy went to heaven with grandma bev. this story has a happy ending though. just like after grandma bev went to heaven we got michelle and jeff after lucy went to heaven we are getting a NEW baby and it is going to be born in the month before my birthday which is april around 11. michelle likes that because then she will have the new babby born in april and me born in may ad baby lucy born in june and madeline was born in july which is how the months go just so. by the way i call michelle and jeff MOM and DAD in real but on here im going to call them michelle and jeff. whe nwe came here we ate at a fancy restaurant with all three of our parents, like my dad cory and jeff and michelle were all there and we said goodbye to cory and he said goodbye to us. sometimes i miss him but i love boston and my new friends even though we might move to long island again maybe. i hope we stay in boston for a little while i have lots of friends here and i'm going to go to grade 2. most of my friends are already in school but me and maddie go to advent school so we dont even start until september! i am really BORED at home but we go to the library adn swimming and sometimes michelle teaches us to dance. that used to be her job. tihs is a very long blog but this is the first time i ever got to use michelle's computer. me and maddie has a computer downstairs thats just for us, it's a mac too.

when we came to boston michelle's brother was here and his name is john. john is really funny, and he told us a story about when michelle was a little girl. john is the oldest kid like me and michelle is the b-a-b-y like maddie so she was kind of a cry baby BUT DONT TELL HER and one time john tricked her into thinking that she was adopted and that her mom didn't love her so she had to give her to john's mom so if she was bad she woudl get given back!! when john told me that story honest i was afraid that michelle might give ME back but she said that because she had that experience she would keep us forever. i'mglad.

i want to make a new playlist for this blog, last time i got to help but its old now. byeeeee for now
hailey b

a crybaby, huh? Too bad I know how to read...lol.

Again?

I don't know how to say this, but I wanted to tell the Blogosphere first, because this feels like my own little bubble where I know I will be inherently met with support.

I'm pregnant.

After Lucy was born, we said we weren't going to have anymore (biologically). Of course, Hailey and Maddie came into our lives and then we had three beautiful babies, and we felt like we were done having babies forever.

I can't say I'm *thrilled*, because I don't lie. But I can't say I'm devastated, either. I know that this is a sign from God or maybe even from Lucy that everything is going to be all right, and I'm going to take this gift and hope that it works out. I'm scared, anxious, sad, happy, and excited all at once. Here we go again...now to break the news to my husband!

Lucy's blog

Jeff thinks we should leave this blog strictly for updates about Maddie and hailey, should we ever feel inclined to blog about anything normal...our lives are not normal anymore, and they wont be ever again, but Hailey and Maddie continue to be a normal part of our lives and they deserve their own blog.

I haven't been doing a lot lately, and it feels so ungodly weird to open a blog specifically so I can talk about my dead baby, but it makes seense, in its own way. Does anyone want to read it? Probably not. But it's there.

http://theloveoflucy.blogspot.com

Day by day

Today's task is to try to tackle my babycenter inbox. In just 4 days, I have received more than 30 messages from people reaching out to comfort Jeff and I through this strange time. It is an overwhelming task, even though it seems so small. Today I got up, showered, and dressed. Yesterday I talked to Madeline and Hailey's father and found out that they do get to stay with us. Small victories.

I'm so tired. I don't really feel sad much of the time, but exhausted, as though the life was drained from me when she left.

If I finish these messages I'll let myself sleep.

One day we're here the next we're not

I posted on Babycenter about us losing sweet Lucy, and I knew that I needed to update the blog. Although most of my readers already know, the blog has been more than about the readers--it's been about being able to talk about Hailey, Madeline, and Lucy and preserving every part of their lives whenever the mood struck me to write.

For those who don't know, I hope that I have called you or made you aware in some other way other than the cold impersonality of a blog post. Our sweet Lucy left us July 20th, sometime in the early morning hours. At this point, they are rendering cause of death SIDS--we do not know what killed our precious Lucy, just that she died sometime in the night, very peacefully.

In the past few days I have felt very much lost and anchored only by the support community I have built for myself--my husband, my older girls, my family, my internet friends. I have cried only once since Lucy's death, and I mostly feel...numb, empty, like there's a whole. I wish I could find some comfort and peace in her death, but I still can't. I can barely breathe.

It's been awhile!

Ever since Hailey and Madeline came to stay with us, I have barely had time to blog! Here's a brief rundown on what has been happened with our family since June 22nd:

1. Last week Maddie turned 5. We celebrated with a pool party with a "Princess" theme. Not Disney princesses, though--Victorian princesses! The girls wore their best period costume and had a tea party, and everyone had a lot of fun. We are now officially up to our ears in girlie paraphernalia. Hailey and Maddie's bio dad was supposed to come out on the day of but he couldn't make it. He came out on Thursday and we did dinner together. The next time we'll see him is for our court date in September.

2. Lucy turned one month old two days later. At her one month appointment she weighed 7 pounds and was 20 inches long, so she's growing pretty well. She is now smiling and lifting her head--she's a very animated baby. She is still breastfeeding and doing very well with that. Now that the first month is over, we are feeling strong and confident about carrying on.

3. We have been on the road with daddy for two weeks now and everybody is having a lot of fun. We have a lot more hotel dates on this tour, which I am appreciative of...three little girls, seven guys, and I are a little too much! It has been a lot of fun. We will be home for a short period of time next week and then back on the rest of the circuit.

That's all for now! More soon.

(Lucy nursing. Betcha didn't know that's what she was doing, huh?)

The best husband IN THE WORLD.

You may be wondering "Michelle, why are you updating your blog at 7:15 in the morning? Why aren't you sleeping?" (the baby is sleeping at this time & so should be the older girls)

This is because I have THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD.

Remember how in my other entry about the BBQ I said I was feeling super sick? He gave me a gravol and told me not to worry about a thing.

The thing about Gravol, though, is that it knocks me out cold. So, I slept from 5 until 6, when we had the bbq, and then again from 7 until...drumroll please...7! I have not slept that long since I was a kid. He did EVERYTHING--the bbq, taking care of the girls, getting them to sleep. I feel like the WORST MOTHER with the BEST HUSBAND. He even let me sleep in the spare bedroom in the basement so that I would be mostly soundproofed. How much does Jeff ROCK!?

Cupcakes and BBQ

I did eventually manage to make the cupcakes for Jeff's BBQ...they turned out great, and Maddie, Hailey and I had a great time decorating them green, black, and white.

However, I had to put him in charge of the BBQ. I am feeling super sick and want to just go lay down. :(

Lucy's sisters and Jeff's first father's day.

Long ago, before Lucy was born, I (Michelle) used to nanny for the two sweetest girls in the universe (pre Lucy, remember, pre Lucy. ;)), Hailey and Madeline. Hailey and Madeline captured my heart in the three years I knew them, and I never forgot about them. In fact, after I stopped nannying for them, I still kept updated on them by their daddy and grandma.

A few days after Lucy's birth, Jeff and I got a desperate call from Hailey and Madeline's daddy (Aaron). Aaron's mom, their grandma, died a few weeks ago. She had been raising them since I stopped nannying for them, and Aaron is unable to care for the girls himself. He asked Jeff and I to become Hailey and Madeline's custodians, permanently.

While Aaron is still going to fill a role in Hailey and Madeline's life, Jeff and I said yes, and as of yesterday we have three beautiful girls. Our lives just got a whole bunch busier and a whole bunch more loving, and we could not be happier.

BTW, Hailey is seven and Maddie is going to be five soon. They are amazing!

Today we have a busy day planned for Jeff, since it's his first Father's Day. Last night we made him cupcakes and we are going to ice them today. Hopefully it doesnt rain because we have a barbeque planned. Lucy's (and Hailey and Maddie's...god, I have to get used to that!) uncle John and aunt Cammy are here from Kansas and we are going to have them and maybe Uncle Adam if he decides to show as well as Jeff's mom and dad and some of their friends and their two teenage daughters over. We are going to have ribs barbequed. Mmmmmm. Although we got Jeff Tiger Woods Golf for Wii for his gift, I'm sure Hailey, Maddie, and Lucy are the best gift of all for him. :)

Until next time
Michelle

One week old

So sorry that I haven't blogged much recently. We came home with Lucy on 6/12 and I have been a little preoccupied, as you can imagine.

Well, we somehow survived our first full week of being parents and as of today, Lucy is ONE WEEK OLD! She is such an incredible thing, I cannot imagine life without her now. She is such a sweet, sleepy little girl. We're feeling quite lucky in that respect. I have to wake her up to feed her. I just want to stare at her all day. I'm even starting to feel better about my birth experience. After all...she is SO perfect that it couldn't possibly have been all bad. I got this beautiful girl out of it.

I'm sure I'll have something more coherent to say eventually, so stay tuned. For now...here's proof that lucy has eyeballs. This is one of TWO pictures I have of her when her eyes are open. And I have a LOT of pictures of Lucy.

One day old

Well, we made it this far. I'm proud of our little family, to be honest.

Tonight is Lucy's second night in the NICU. She's spending most of the day with her daddy and I, but at night she seems to require more extra help breathing, so she chills with her NICU buddies for the night and comes to bug mommy for feeds every couple hours.

It's been surprisingly smooth. The nursers and doctors here have been an absolute joy and have helped Jeff, Lucy and I every step of the way. We couldn't ask for a better team. Lucy is a VERY healthy 34 weeker and they figure a couple more days in the hospital and she'll be aokay to go home. She eats like a champion, although mommy is still figuring out breastfeeding. Lucy has a good latch, but mommy is experiencing some discomfort. We're working with a LLL counselor and hoping to have agood nursing relationship by the time we leave hospital.

Mommy has been exhausted and in pain all day, but very very happy, particularly when we get to hang with our little girl. I can't wait to have her home...although I am enjoying my relaxation time here. I'm a little scared of the future, I have to be honest, but I know it'll be okay. We're a family now.

Welcome Lucy Nolan

Stealing the free wireless internet again. I tried to get Jeff to update you earlier but he claims to be afraid of Babycenter and Blogspot, so he's holding our sweet little girl and I'm warding off visitors by hoping my anti-social personality helps. :P

If I can (Lucy has just been fed so I have at least a little time), I want to write out this birth story while it's still fresh in my mind. Lucy's birth was less than ideal. In fact, I would say that it was a traumatic experience--for Lucy and for myself. I don't blame the doctors--I don't think my serene home birth would have ever happened. I don't think we will be having another child, at least not by birth. I don't think I'm equipped to.

Labor started on Sunday afternoon, and it took about 10 hours to progress into the hard labor that would eventually lead to Lucy's birth. Those first ten hours were filled with discomfort but were ultimately the easiest part of my birth. I was perusing BBC, chatting with my husband and family, and even drinking tea right up until around 3:30, when my contractions began to intensify. By this point, the doctors were getting tired and were glad to be able to push things along, so to speak. This is where everything started to go wrong, at least from my perspective. 

I started to panic, for one thing. I do not know why I began to panic, I don't think I ever will. The doctors call it transitioning, but my transitioning lasted through Lucy's whole birth and for about two hours afterward. Even now I feel slightly afraid to hold her, but the worst of that is over and I truly love and enjoy my baby.

At around 3:45 I was in one of my lucid periods and I asked Jeff to update the blog and babycenter. I don't remember my motivations behind it but I'm glad he did, because I want as much of Lucy's birth story remembered as possible. No sooner did he finish it and tell me he had but the nurses, and our incredibly wonderful and sweet midwife, told me that it was time to push. 

There's very little I remember about the time whilst I was pushing. I remember crying almost constantly about how it was a mistake, I didn't want a baby, please don't make me have the baby, I can't do it, I don't want it, please don't make me do it. After about forty minutes of this, the midwife finally told me that if I didn't stop, I would have to have a c-section, because I was putting too much stress on the baby and she had stopped progressing. I remember refusing the c section and saying that it was good that she wasn't progressing because I didn't want her to come out.

Throughout all of this, which must have been very traumatic, my husband stood by me. He was a comforting presence who made sure I was always comfortable, even when I was clearly in distress, and he made sure to advocate for me because he knew I couldn't.

At around 5 in the morning, they were discussing getting a surgeon in, and it was then and only then that I came to my senses a little and knew that I had to get the baby out. i asked for pain medication but they couldn't give me any because I was too far dilated. I must have been more lucid than I'd been for the entire duration of labor before that, because instead of screaming and crying, I felt determined. I was going to have this baby. I was going to have this baby NATURALLY! I shifted into a mode that I can only describe as primal. I was having that baby and I was having her now.

Lucy Nolan D. was born at 5:20 AM on Monday, June 8th, 2009, weighing in at 5 pounds, 1 ounce and 18 inches long. She came out pink, perfect, and furious, screaming and crying and indignant. Wouldn't you be? She had apgars of 7 and 9, and they have her in an isolette in the NICU to help her breathe, but she spends time out of it as well, getting lots of cuddles from her admirers. She's beautiful and sweet, and I'm glad she's mine, rough start considered. She is an absolutely perfect little girl and I'm so lucky to have her. 

Even still, when I think of her birth, it is upsetting. I feel as though I ruined my own birth experience. I know that having a happy baby at the end is supposed to be the most important thing, but it's hard to look at it that way.

It took me three hours to type this, and as I finish, Lucy is snuggled on my chest and Jeff is at my side. I couldn't ask for anything more perfect.

4:00 am: the dad update!

hi everybody. Jeff here. as michelle said in her last blog post she has been at the hosp all day in early labor. well early labor has progressed and now at 3:30 she started having stronger contrax and the doctor says she's ready to push soon. this has unfortunately sent michelle into a panic and she's been crying on and off about how she's not ready since then. the doctor says this kind of panic is normal in first time moms because they are afraid of what to expect. the nicu team is here and our great midwife julia is here too. the nicu team is here because lucy is gonna be born at 34 weeks (and 5 days) and she might have some problems. hopefully all will be fine . michelle wanted me to update you all and post this on babycenter if i can figure out how. hopefully next time you hear from our fam we will have a sweetie pie baby in our arms!

jeff for michelle

Blogging my way through "early labor"

...whatever the heck that means.

I had a weird blood clot last night, and Jeff took me in to the hospital this morning. There we were informed that I'm 5 cm dilated and "pretty much ready to go" in the early stages of labor. So, here I sit in the hospital bed, still 5 cm dilated, bored out of my tree as we wait oh so patiently for something to happen. My contractions have intensified but my dilation has not increased. We fear pitocin or worse, an emergency c-section to keep lucy safe. Obviously a healthy baby is best, but I'm afraid of surgery and would really prefer my 1st baby to be born naturally.

How am I feeling right now? Tired, for one thing. I barely slept last night and I'm not sleeping today. And more nauseated than contracting at the moment, which is ticking me off. I would like progress, one way or another. And a nap, and possibly a warm bath. 

Bleh. I will keep you informed.

Lucy-Mania!

The final step in our baby preparation was picking a name. Since week 30, everything else has been done. The room was decorated, the clothes lovingly prewashed. The hospital bag packed, the bathroom stocked, the car seat installed, the stroller meticulously built, the paint checked for lead levels, the diapers folded, the birthing room prepared, the swing in its place of pride in the living room, everybody raring to go! But wait! There was something...amiss about our baby utopia. Whatever could it be? Walk into the nursery, and what's this? Above the beautiful pink scalloped crib, the rosebud wallpaper looks sad and empty. There's something missing. But what? Oh! A name.

Yes, the final step in the BB preparations was to pick a name for said BB. We didn't even start looking until a few weeks ago, and it wasn't long before our choices were narrowed down to three, all vying for our attention. We knew long ago that we would give our first child, boy or girl, the middle name Nolan, and it was only a matter of choosing the perfect first name to go with it. 

Lucy, Zoe, and Maeve were the three names that we were considering (see the poll that NO ONE VOTED IN :( you all fail as my family.), but all along, Lucy was the main object of our affections. We've been calling her Lucy since week 33, but we were worried to make the official leap. We did it today, and Lucy-Mania has been sweeping the nation. I ordered Lucy's custom letters from the shop where we got her bedding, to hang on that perfect rosebud wallpaper with pride. We even went so far as to march back to PBK (that's Pottery Barn Kids for those of you who aren't cool enough to swing in our uber hip circles) and get our diaper bag lovingly embroided with Lucy. My bestest best friend and coolest sister in law ever, Camille, is making Lucy a totally cool sun hat with her name on it, too. We love Lucy...both the name AND the baby attached to it!

Week 34!

Only six more weeks until Baby D's estimated time of arrival, and I am a woman of two minds. 

On one hand, I wish these next six weeks would go by faster. It feels like I have been pregnant for EVER, and I'd love to be holding my sweet girl in my arms right this second. I know that she has to cook a little bit longer, though, and besides...

On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified. I may have mentioned this (or you already knew) but Jeff and I are the first parents in our "circle". He's 26 and I'm 28 and most of the people I know think of us as young parents. I must say, I am TERRIFIED in a lot of ways about having a baby. Will I be a good mother? Will our baby be healthy? I'm afraid to crack under the pressure of not having any mommy friends. Who knows, though...maybe we'll lead by example, lol!

As for my pregnancy this week...well, last week, I guess, week 34 is just beginning! I have felt better in my 3rd trimester than the whole rest of my pregnancy, although I am STILL nauseous throughout the evening and into the early mornings. As you may recall, the beginning of my pregnancy was hellish and made us wonder if the BB (Ballerina Baby...get it?) might be an only! However, I am definitely glowing in my 3rd trimester and assuming BB is a good baby she might get herself a sibling. Maybe. We all know how much siblings suck. (I'm looking at you, John. And just kidding. I loves you! <3)>

At my last appointment (which was 32 weeks. My 34 weeks is this afternoon...yippee!) they said that my belly was measuring at 37 weeks! I have only gained 19 pounds but it is ALL in my big round beach ball belly. They sent me for an ultrasound then, but BB was 4 pounds and 17 inches, just like she should be, so I guess Mommy's the fatty, not BB! I am selfishly hoping for another US at this appointment. I didn't get one until 28 weeks because of the doctors switching over the machine and so I've only gotten to see her at 28 and 32 weeks. I know I'll get to see her face soon, but I just cant get enough of it! Everything else was great and the doctor told me that he expected a normal, healthy baby to be born sometime in July.

Jeff and I have been trying to guess when BB will arrive. Since Daddy's birthday is July 31 (same day as Harry Potter...I am SUCH a dork for knowing that...it was a source of much amusement for me when we first met, believe me! I told you I was a dork!), he is secretly cheering BB to be two weeks late. I will be UNHAPPY and READY TO EVICT if that happens! I do get the feeling that she'll be a little late, though. I don't know why.

Hmm. I swear I had more to say, but apparently this post is already insanely long. And I want pancakes and possibly bacon, so I best get out of bed and go cook some breakfast. More soon!

xoxox Michelle

Welcome to our family update blog!

Hi friends and family! (and random Internet strangers...haha!) Welcome to Michelle, Jeff, and Baby D.'s blog! Sorry I didn't start one sooner, but John was here today and he showed me how. I'm thrilled to be able to share our baby updates with the world in a way other than e-mail or Facebook! 

For the next 6 or so weeks, I plan to use this blog to update you all on my pregnancy, how I'm feeling, names, the nursery, and any other pregnancy-related thing I can think of, and then afterward, I will update you all on our little girl and how she is growing, learning, and thriving. :)

Just in case there are any Internet strangers a-lurkin' (I did post this link on Babycenter, after all!), I feel like I should introduce myself, so for a few words about me...

My name is Michelle. I'm 28 years old and I hail from Boston, Massachusetts. I have lived here for about five years, since I met Jeff. Jeff is my handsome husband, age 26. We're both teachers--he is a high school music teacher and I am the lead ballet instructor at a local dance school. I started this blog to keep friends, family, and the occasional random stranger up to date on my pregnancy! After trying for about a year, we got a sticky bean in the form of our soon-to-be-born little daughter. We are so excited to be having a little girl and eagerly await her July 2009 arrival! She is going to be our little guitar playing pianist prima ballerina...or whatever else she wants to be, of course! 

Stay tuned!

♥Michelle, Jeff, and Baby D!